The Zelos Theory To Beauty
by noctepanther
Summary: There are some things that should be taught in school, but aren't.


1_**The Zelos Theory to Beauty**_

_A/N: Yes, my first fanfic in...how long? I dunno. I've been meaning to write this for awhile, so enjoy. _

"Quiet please," the instructor announced as he entered the room, placing his professional looking briefcase next the teacher's desk. He slid off his round glasses, placing them on the table, taking in the admiring looks of his pupils. "Today," he said clearly and with just the right amount of authority, "We will be discussing my favorite subject." He turned around and pulled up an overhead that was covering the chalkboard. "The beauty of the female." Zelos moved out of the students' line of vision and over to side, revealing four posters of his female companions.

A collective excited titter went up among the students, along with a distinct scoff from the back of the room that quickly turned itself into a cough. Zelos peered down his nose and into the shadows. "Regal," he said, trying to maintain his teacher's act, "Either listen respectively or don't listen at all." The large man he was addressing merely rolled his eyes and settled into a more comfortable position against the wall. Clearing his throat, Zelos continued, "Now, for the purposes of this lesson, I will be highlighting four particular females who are the most well-known amongst the world." He snapped a pointer from out of his trouser pocket, whipping it to its full length. "The Chosen, Colette Brunel." He pointed to the poster of a blonde, long-haired girl, smiling at the full class. "The Axgirl, Presea Combatir." The pointer smacked a picture of scowling girl, her arm resting on a giant axe. "The Professor, Raine Sage." Zelos took a brief moment to collect himself before pointing to the poster of the formidable woman whose presence usually presided of the Iselia classroom that Zelos had stolen for the day. "And finally, the Voluptuous Hunny, The Demonic Banshee, the Busty Ninja, the Queen of Hearts, the Rose of Battle," Zelos glared at Genis after the half-elf threw a book at him, "Sheena Fujibayashi." A collective cheer went up from the class as Zelos revealed the final poster of a raven-haired ninja, obviously caught in a candid amateur photograph, for she was half-naked and brandishing all of the weapons she had ever owned.

"There are four aspects of beauty," he said, holding up four fingers to emphasize, "Pretty, Cute, Gorgeous." He pointed to the posters of Colette, Presea, and Raine in turn. "And finally...Hot, or as it sometimes referred to as in this day, Hawt." His pointer smacked the poster of Sheena rather forcefully, and lingered there for a moment and a half. Lloyd, who was sitting in the front row, started to protest this, feeling as if Sheena was being violated in some way, only to be cut off by the instructor. "Not now, Mr. Irving." Zelos turned his attention to the class as a whole, "Now, I suggest that you take notes, as this is invaluable information that you will be unable to find elsewhere." There was a flurry of sound as each male hurried to take out pen and paper, with the exception of Regal, who stood smirking at each of his companions' actions.

Zelos stalked over to the opposite side of the room, trying to act the part of a teacher. "We will begin with Pretty," he said, then gesturing to the picture of Colette, "If you would please take your eyes off of Ms.Sheena and turn your gaze to Miss Colette, we can begin." A few disappointed groans were heard as the class tore their eyes away from the lewd picture towards the more innocent one.

"Now the Pretty type of girl is often the one who has the dreaded _personality_. They are not usually the most attractive to look at." The pointer circled the flat area of Colette's chest. "But they are often the most fun, caring, and sweetest to be with. This type of woman is suggested for unattractive males, or those with low self-confidence, put the kendama away Mr. Sage." The half-elf glared at Zelos for a bit, then lowered his weapon, banishing the spell circle he had been casting.

"He deserved it, treating Colette that way," Genis muttered, hiding his face behind a large textbook.

Unperturbed by this small interruption, Zelos continued his lecture, "And if you would now turn your attention to Ms. Presea, I will discuss the Cute girl."

"The Cute girl is usually petite, with longer hair tied up in some fashion." He pointed to Presea's trademark pigtails, and then moved on. "Sometimes referred to as _The Little Sister_, as she is the type of girl that you wish to protect and cuddle at the same time. Mr. Irving, are you paying attention?" The pointer smacked down hard on Lloyd's desk, waking the swordsman.

"Mm...Presea...two worlds...mm...kill potatoes...HUH?!" The youth looked wildly around the classroom as everyone laughed at him.

"Having a nice dream, Mr. Irving?" Zelos asked, trying his hardest to keep a straight face. Lloyd only blushed until he was undistinguishable from his red jacket.

"Moving on," Zelos said, quieting down the class, "We reach upper levels of beauty with the Gorgeous woman. Please keep the drool in your mouth as we examine Ms. Raine."

"The Gorgeous Woman is defined by her hair, well-formed body." He pointed to each part as he said it, "And her ability to always be out of your league. These woman are usually powerful and intelligent, making them a perfect match for...Regal." Zelos smirked as the battle artist in the back stammered for words.

Chuckling to himself, Zelos hushed the class once more, "Finally, we reach the end. The Hot Girl. I don't think I have to ask you to observe Ms. Sheena. And please, please, keep your hands where they are visible." Several hands slid guiltily onto their respective desks. "The Hot Girl is, simply put, hot. Noted for their breasts and quick temper, this type of girl is the most coveted out of all females, but will only settle down with the most handsome of all men." Flipping his hair, Zelos gave a self-fulfilling smile and said, "Who is, of course, me."

Picking up the fake glasses from the desk in front of him, Zelos put them on waved a hand in dismissal, "Now get out of here, but be sure to return for next week's class. How To Be Beautiful Like The Great And Wonderful Zelos."

_Note from nocte: Well, I hope you enjoyed it. I wrote the ending separate from the beginning, so I'm a little bothered by that. Drop me a review and tell me what you thought it!_


End file.
